I'm back and I'm badly in need of some sleep. Contrary to my deep seated desires the house did not burn down while I was away. Though I did not want any bodily harm to ensue to my family while I flew to the States I thought a little drama might help in the way of marital understanding. However it seems that the time was uneventful to a fault.
It currently is 4:50 in the morning and I have been up since TWO pacing the floors and trying to pray. Tired. Jetlag. Emotionally a little spent.
Sitting in the sun looking at the blue sky after enjoying a lunch of potato salad and berries I felt like crying.
Crying because my nieces are growing up.
Crying because the grass is green so green that it seems to shimmer jade and emerald.
Crying because my kids aren't here living this love and lovely-ness.
Crying because of family driving, a friend surprising and time being so short.
Crying because we are so far away and because it is different.
Crying because there are so many unspoken, deep conversations that I want to have with a select few and no time, no privacy, no chance. Life moves on for us all.
Crying because of the tension of here but leaving now. I am not complaining. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just feel sad. A kind of missing that flows out confused. Missing first days at school. Walking around lakes. New beautiful babies. New relationships. Friends that seem to be on the cusp of engagements. Missing being around mommies my age that knew me before I was a mommy and liked me. Missing being around women who help me to grow.
I felt like crying there. Now I feel like crying here. Crying. I think honestly it is just that I am tired. I drug my kids and myself to play group yesterday in the rain and arrived to promptly melt on the floor in fatigue. I say stupid things when I am tired. I think someone may have said, "Kids play well together." I think my witty, intelligent remark went something like, "I enjoy being a mother." Sleep deprivation as a form of torture is brilliant and if I had answered a calling to be a spy I would have succumbed immediately to this method.
As it is I am praying for a muzzle over my mouth till jet lag ceases. For less tears. For grace to be thankful. And for focus to pray.
It currently is 4:50 in the morning and I have been up since TWO pacing the floors and trying to pray. Tired. Jetlag. Emotionally a little spent.
Sitting in the sun looking at the blue sky after enjoying a lunch of potato salad and berries I felt like crying.
Crying because my nieces are growing up.
Crying because the grass is green so green that it seems to shimmer jade and emerald.
Crying because my kids aren't here living this love and lovely-ness.
Crying because of family driving, a friend surprising and time being so short.
Crying because we are so far away and because it is different.
Crying because there are so many unspoken, deep conversations that I want to have with a select few and no time, no privacy, no chance. Life moves on for us all.
Crying because of the tension of here but leaving now. I am not complaining. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just feel sad. A kind of missing that flows out confused. Missing first days at school. Walking around lakes. New beautiful babies. New relationships. Friends that seem to be on the cusp of engagements. Missing being around mommies my age that knew me before I was a mommy and liked me. Missing being around women who help me to grow.
I felt like crying there. Now I feel like crying here. Crying. I think honestly it is just that I am tired. I drug my kids and myself to play group yesterday in the rain and arrived to promptly melt on the floor in fatigue. I say stupid things when I am tired. I think someone may have said, "Kids play well together." I think my witty, intelligent remark went something like, "I enjoy being a mother." Sleep deprivation as a form of torture is brilliant and if I had answered a calling to be a spy I would have succumbed immediately to this method.
As it is I am praying for a muzzle over my mouth till jet lag ceases. For less tears. For grace to be thankful. And for focus to pray.
I love you!
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